Chapter I

Once upon a time there was a wonderful little village called Niceville. It was full of good things, and happiness. The mayor of this town was a strapping young lad called Ronan, who talked with just the most delightful Irish accent. Ronans last name was Keating, but hardly anyone ever used their last names in Niceville. Ronan was loved by everyone in the village, for he was a fair and just mayor, and when he sang, it was like all the birds in the world were joining in harmony, singing a beautiful song together. That is, of course, if all the birds in the world had the sexiest Irish accent ever.

Now, our story begins in the middle of February, with all the townsfolk excited. They were all so excited because the biggest event in the Niceville calendar was very very close. The whole town was abuzz with talk of Smash Hits Special Day, held every two years on the 29 February, for in those days every second year was a leap year. Rumours were flying about concerning the climactic event of the day - the six hour long music concert on the night of the big day. Somebody had heard from somebody whose brother knew the auntie of the event organiser that Mikey Graham might be singing. Most people scoffed at this idea, as everybody knew that of Boyzone (Ronan and his four closest buddies), Mikey never sang. Ronan, Shane, Keith and Stephen usually sang the final song of the Smash Hits Special concert, with Mikey supporting them. Mikey never sang by himself though, only ever giving backing vocal support to the other four. Ronan sang the most solo pieces, of course, with his golden voice and its Irish tint bringing everybody in Niceville to musical nirvana every two years. Shane, Keith and Stephen usually sang three or four solo lines each during each song, but never Mikey. This had always been cause for disappointment for several town members, especially young Billie who had a secret crush on the handsome Mikey.

But even those who didn’t believe in the rumours had something to talk about, as it was well known that the foursome known as No Authority were going to be making their debut live performance this year. It was commonly assumed that they would perform their hit single “What I Wanna Do” - which was already being hailed as the ‘musical beach towel of this summer’. Another newcomer being eagerly awaited was 2Ge+Her, and it was expected they would be performing “2Ge+Her, 2Ge+Her”. All in all, it was guaranteed to be a great time for all, with soft drink, potato chips and ice cream being freely available for all.

Ronan was walking through the town on one fine Monday morning, less than two weeks before Smash Hits Special Day, nodding at people as they greeted him. He smiled and waved as Jason Donovan appeared in the doorway of his cute little bungalow. Jason waved back as he sat down on the swing seat on the porch, to eat a bowl of yummy fruit-flavoured cereal in the glorious sunlight. Ronans smile didn’t reach his eyes, however, as he thought of the hardships Jason had been through. Jason had lost his partner Kylie, years ago. The townspeople hadn’t even noticed, as she drifted further and further away from them, until it was too late - she was wearing raunchy outfits, and had completely lost her good wholesome ‘girl-next-door’ persona. Like the town motto said, though, “Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining” - and although they had lost Kylie, they had learnt a lesson. The price of peace is eternal vigilance. When Mariah had started heading down that same path, the emergence of her in a video wearing slinky black dresses and bikinis, riding jet-skis had alerted Ronan and the good folk of Niceville immediately. Mariah had been dragged back from the brink not a moment too soon, and returned to videos of sitting in a movie theatre having nice teenage girly fun. Ronan liked to look on the bright side of everything, but he still felt twinges of sadness when he saw Jason living alone, with no partner to perform duets with.

Ronan brightened up when he saw the antics of the next group of people he came across, however. Edele, Keavy, Sinead and Lindsay were playing cowboys and indians with each other on the perfectly manicured block of lawn outside their garishly coloured house. Ronan had always felt even more protective of Edele and Keavy than the other townspeople, as they were the sisters of his good friend Shane. He smiled lovingly as he watched them roll around in the grass wearing their cowboy costumes. These four girls truly captured the essence of Niceville, for they had always been “more interested in bringing joy into people’s lives than becoming incredibly famous,” and that is just what they did. Ronan continued past the girls, admiring the “B*Witched” letterbox they had built themselves, with its bright colours and silver tinfoil sparkling in the sunlight. Once again, Ronan felt an immense surge of pride in his town and his friends rise up within him.

Chapter II

The lights were low, and everybody was hushed - in expectation of the first act. Everybody, that is, except the thousands of pubescent girls who were screaming at the top of their lungs. “Ahhh…” thought Ronan, “this is what it’s all about.”

Suddenly, three spotlights illuminated three handsome figures on stage. It was, of course, Rich, Brad, and Devin - LFO. Without even an introductory speech they swung straight into “Summer Girls”. The girls screamed even louder, and several audience members started crying - unable to join their friends in calling out “Rich I love you!”, or “Brad, marry me!”, or “Devin - I can prove you’re the father!” Every single citizen of Niceville was in the huge arena - custom built for this biyearly event. Ronan sighed contentedly. The day had gone off without a hitch. The giggling competition had record entries, with Daphne eventually tying with Celeste in the final. N’Sync had easily won the sack-race for the third time running; Boyz II Men had made a huge comeback to come first and third in the three-legged race - with Shawn & Wanya coming first, Nate & Mike coming third, and the brothers Jonathon & Jordan from New Kids On The Block coming second. Ronan stood with Mikey watching the crowd. “This is the best set-up ever, Mikey - you’ve outdone yourself.” Mikey was in charge of the technical side of everything, seeing as he was a mechanic before he ever became a popstar. “Thanks Ronan. I just like to do my best, and keep the fans happy.”

The fans were happy, and stayed that way through four hours of non-stop great music. The music, of course, was performed by the citizens themselves. Anybody who wanted to have a sing-song, just put their name up on the blackboard, and waited for their turn. There was no shortage of volunteers - there never was. After LFO came Salt ‘n’ Pepa. Then Britney. Jessica Simpson followed. Then AJ, Howie, Brian, Kevin & Nick from Backstreet Boys. Sean, Scott, Abs, Richard & J from 5ive. Toby, Mike, Phil & Andrew gave a ripper performance as Human Nature. B*Witched got up, and sang their cute little hearts out. Nick, Jeff, Justin & Drew sang he crowds favourite 96 degrees song. Geri Halliwell gave the line-up another injection of girlpower, followed by her favourite band A1 - made up of Ben, Christian, Mark & Paul. Everybody knew that Claire, Faye, Lisa, H & Lee were going to make sure that Steps would be heard - and heard they were. By now, of course, the crowd needed a rest, so Ronan organised some older music. B-52’s played a song, followed by two from Ace Of Base.

Everything was going well, just like usual. Ronan was just rounding up Shane, Mikey, Keith & Stephen for the last five songs, when things started to go horribly wrong. During the middle of a touching song from Jason Donovan, with Shania Twain standing in for Kylie, the sound disappeared. The worst fear of every popstar - the music had been cut off, and they were still moving their lips. And THEN… all of a sudden, from the huge speakers erupted….. “My name is Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidddddddddddddddddd ROCK!!!!!”

As everybody stood around confused, wondering what had happened to the happy music, and what this other noise was, the noise continued, with a series of nonsensical syllables strung together yelled loudly. Then, a figure could be seen descending onto the stage via an elaborate wire set-up, followed by the most despised objects of all pop-stars. A full drumkit, and an assortment of electric and bass guitars - all with people included. Ronan yelled “Nooooooooo!!!!”, as Mikey fell to his knees weeping… “Musical instruments. At the Smash Hits Special concert? It’s our worst nightmare. If God exists, he hates us.”
Ronan grabbed Mikey and slapped him, as full-blown angst-ridden rock music continued to blast around the arena. “Get yourself together man, we have to save the others!! As long as we stay happy, and look on the bright side - we’ll be all right. Everything is fine. Remember that.”
Mikey stood up, wiping tears away. “You’re right. We have to save the others. Might is NOT right. Happiness and joyful lyrics are more powerful than any angry guitar riffs, or obscene lyrics.”
Ronan squeezed him, and ran off towards the panicking schoolgirls nearest the stage - wishing he was as confident as he appeared.

Ronan was moving the girls away from the stage, preventing a panicked stampede, when the angry song drew to a close. Ronan hoped with all his will that that would be all, and they could throw this troubled group of trespassers out of Niceville, with minimal damage to the fragile sensibilities of his friends. That hope was dashed however, when he saw Kid Rock sneer at him, and invite another group onto the stage. Within seconds more loud obnoxious music was assaulting the ears of everybody in the arena. “It’s all about the nookie, the nookie - so you can take the cookie - and shove it up your assss!!!”
Ronan redoubled his efforts to get everybody out before their minds were irrecoverably tainted with this horrible music. It took Ronan a short time to realise that something else was wrong. He could hear little girls screaming, but that had been going on since the beginning of the night. What was wrong that these were screams of terror - and they were coming from up AHEAD! By the exits. Ronan’s heart sank, as he saw the reason for this. At each exit there was a big scary man, threatening to sing into a microphone attached to a portable amp. From the people he could see at the nearest exits, Ronan knew that nobody was going to take the risk of trying to rush them. Rob Zombie, Marilyn Manson, and Powerman 5000. This was serious trouble.

Chapter III

Ronan saw Mikey coming towards him, struggling through the mass of tank-top wearing young girls. At one point, as Ronan watched Mikey squeeze through a group of terrified girls, he was certain that Mikey copped a cheap feel. Ronan shook his head, it couldn’t be. Or - perhaps the influence of this un-nice music was already having an effect? He looked around for a glimpse of those that would probably be most easily affected. Sure enough - the Vengaboys, always on the fringe of nicety with their raunchy videos and occasionally suggestive lyrics, were already lost. Ronan felt tears coming to his eyes as he watched Kim, Denice, Ray & Yorick dirty dancing, and touching each others ’special places’. Ronan then caught sight of Geri Halliwell out of the corner of his eye, and before his very eyes, she undid the top blouses on her blouse, allowing much more cleavage to be shown than was decent. Ronan had a sudden thought. 5ive!!! The ‘bad-boys of boy-bands’. They were more at risk than anyone!!! Ronan frantically searched the crowd, as Mikey approached. Ronans shoulders slumped - 5ive were right in front of the stage, singing and dancing along with the angry musicians on stage. Ronan didn’t even bother looking for Britney Spears - he knew she would already be backstage, doing god-knows-what with/to god-knows-who.

Mikey physically turned Ronan to face him. “Ronan - I’ve got an idea!!!” Ronan didn’t answer. He had failed his friends, and failed the town. He didn’t deserve to be mayor. “RONAN!!!! I think I know how to save at least some of these people.”
Ronan shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. They’re all lost. We can’t save anyone. I am a failure.”
Mikey slapped Ronan, “Don’t you DARE say that!!! You have looked after our kind for years, and you’ve done damn well. Excuse my profanity, I think the music’s getting to me. BUT - I know how we can fight back. Don’t give up now, Ronan - you’re not a quitter.”
Ronan looked around at his flock, being eaten up by the wolves of teenage-angst-rock-music. “Okay - Let’s dance!!!”
Mikey smiled and said, “You don’t know how right you are Ronan.”
Ronan looked confused. Mikey continued “I think we can take over control of about half the speakers in this joint. They are guarding the soundboard up on stage, but when I designed this place, I left the main switchboard underground. From there, we can control half the speakers, and with the microphone you always carry around, we can perform nice happy feel-good music, to fight against the evil sounds these monsters are throwing at us.”
Ronan’s face sunk. “You know I can’t use this microphone. I just can’t.”
Mikey looked resigned to the awful task of setting up a backflash, as he replied “Ronan, I know that’s the microphone that your father gave you, moments before he was struck down by a car travelling at 67km/hr. But we have to save our people.”
Ronans eyes become distant, as he remembered that fateful day. “It was a 50km/hr speed limit, Mikey. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. I’d gone jogging with him. As I was about to leave him, to go see about that IRA gig, he gave me a hug, and gave me this microphone. The best that money could buy. I saw love in his eyes that day. I never told him that I loved him. He turned to jog away before I could say anything, and as he stepped out onto the road - WHAM!!! That bloody car hit him. He was thrown into the air, and spun about 270 degrees, before hitting the ground. I can still imagine what it would have been like if that car had only been going 50km/hr. The car would have screeched to a halt, without hitting him. He would have been frightened, but would have continued jogging down to the local, for a couple of lagers. He would still be here. I never told him I loved him. I never told him I loved him.”
Mikey realised that Ronan had finished the story he had heard dozens of times before, and replaced the bored look on his face with one of concern, and grabbed Ronan by his shoulders, facing him. “We HAVE to do this. For the people. Your father would want you to use that microphone. For him.”
Ronan imagined the face of his father, as it looked - bloody and mangled on the cold harsh asphalt road. Suddenly, the image of the face healed itself, until it was his father - alive and smiling. “Do it, Ronan. Do it for me, and for your people. Be strong.” Ronan shook the image out of his head, and whispered quietly - “I love you Dadda”. Ronan looked Mikey in the eyes with those determined eyes that those close to him knew so well. “Okay, show me the way.”
Mikey inwardly cheered, and started pushing through the crowd to where he had left a second control centre under a trap door set in the field.

Ronan watched Mikey work on the labyrinth of wires and switches with pride, and amazement. The man was a genius with anything technological, he thought, it’s just a shame he sings like a constipated warthog. As Mikey finished his work, and plugged the remote plug-jack into the system, Ronin looked around the crowd for somebody to open up this desperate attempt at salvation for the townspeople. Everywhere he looked, he saw the people who had trusted his protection and guidance turning to the dark influences of the music invading their minds. Girls were stripping off their bright, gaily coloured clothes, and donning anything black they could find. Boys were forgetting simple synchronised dance moves, and turning to standing still banging their heads up and down to the music. Ronan spotted Billie Piper, standing by herself, scared. Ronan grabbed her, and gave her the microphone. “Sing, goddammit, sing!!” Billie looked at Ronan, with a lost look in her eyes, and then realised what was required. As Mikey loaded the CD for Billies backing music, Billie started singing in a trembing voice. As she started, the band on stage, Nine Inch Nails by this time, faltered. Billie gained confidence and started wailing her fun girly lyrics like she never had before. “Why do we always play our music so loud? ‘Cause we want to, cause we want to.” Ronan smiled and nodded. The perfect counter attack.

Chapter IV

As the people nearest Ronan, Mikey and Billie saw what they were doing, they became keen to help. All through the arena, people were already feeling less angry with their parents, society, and themselves. Going back to their happy-go-lucky attitudes, they felt on top of the world again. The bands on stage saw this happening, however and pumped up the volume, nearly drowning out the poor popsters. Ronan called to Mikey, as the Backstreet Boys took the microphone. Mikey replied, sweating from exertion, “We canno’ get anymore, Ronan, or she’ll blow.” Ronan was worried. This battle of music could shred the sanity from his people if it lasted too much longer. Torn between two different ways of thinking, how long could their fragile personalities last?

Ronan finally realised it was time to pull out the big guns. He waited for Shania Twain to finish singing about feeling like a woman, then took the microphone himself. With an especially large lashing of his accent, he started singing. Everybody in the arena stopped, and turned towards him. Even the intruders in Niceville were silent. This was shortlived, however, as Powerman 5000 made their way up to the stage, and started yelling about what happens when worlds collide. Ronan’s feeling of triumph was shortlived, as he saw his followers slowly turn away again. 5ive kept on head-banging, and the Vengaboys were wearing less and less by the minute. Ronan sang with all his heart, imagining his father was before him. The contest was extremely close, and although Ronan had the superior singing voice and sex appeal, the brute strength and power of the hard-core rock was enough to keep the contest going. A stalemate was effectively a loss as far as Ronan was concerned, for the minds of his people were certain to start cracking soon.

In the sound booth below ground, Billie was sitting with Mikey, watching what seemed to be their certain doom. Mikey looked like he had already given up, when Billie spoke to him, “Mikey - sing.”
Mikey looked at her, and replied, “You know that Ronan is much more powerful as a singer without support. I’ll be hindering, not helping, him.”
“No, I mean by yourself,” Billie urged, gripping his elbow with both hands.
Mikey looked horrified. “You must be joking. You know I can’t do that. No way.”
“Oh, please Mikey, ” Billie grabbed his hand, and looked down at it, as she said, “for me?”
Mikey looked at her, confusion mixing with the terror of singing solo.
“Oh Mikey.” Billie fluttered her eyebrows as she looked up at him. “You are a fool, Mikey Graham. I love you.”
Mikey felt as if he had been hit with a sledgehammer. He couldn’t move, and he couldn’t think.
“Mikey - if we are all going to become sullen angry teenagers, I would at least like to hear you sing once before I go. Please.” Billie leant forward, and hesitantly, gently kissed Mikey on the lips.
Mikey flew into the air half a meter, and his ears flew up as his tongue fell out of his mouth, and he started making strange noises, as little red love-hearts flew out of his body and exploded in the air.
Ronan looked around in surprise, as Mikey jumped out of the trapdoor, and held his hand out for the microphone. Ronan, nearly collapsing from exhaustion, didn’t even question him, as he gave Mikey the microphone.

A hush came upon the crowd, as Mikey prepared to sing, with the society-hating sound of Marilyn Manson coming from the stage. Mikey started to sing quietly, singing about how wonderful it was to be alive, and how “ME + YOU = US, and that is Mikey’s Calculus.” The crowd strained to hear Mikeys quiet voice over the strange apparition on the stage yelling that he doesn’t like drugs, but drugs like him. Mikeys voice grew louder, and more confident, however, until everybody in the arena could clear him clearly. The pure melody of his voice, singing without musical accompiment, caused his beautiful irish lilt to be heard clearly above the noise of Marilyn Manson. Eventually, Marilyn Manson faltered, and then stopped singing altogether, as his band stopped playing their instruments to listen to the heavenly sound of Mikey Graham - Live In Concert.

At the end of the four minute, 37 second performance, half the trespassing rockers had fled Niceville, and the remainder were shedding their dark, gloomy clothes, and begging their new friends for something more suitable, like white pants and white tight t-shirts, or skivvies. Ronan surveyed the survivors. Vengaboys had run in shame, as they looked upon themselves and their lusting behaviour. 5ive had followed Limp Bizkit, never to return. Britney Spears appeared from backstage, begging to be allowed to remain in Niceville. Jessica Simpson came forward, however, and said “Sorry to have to say this, but I saw Britney here having, ah, “relations” with several of those, ‘people’.” She said this, making quote marks with her fingers while saying ‘relations’. Britney cried, and wailed, and Ronan looked to Mikey. Mikey made a ‘thumbs-down’ gesture, as Britney started shrieking. Britney was accompanied to the town limits, as the people of Niceville started to rebuild their lives. This was one Smash Hits Special Day that would never be forgotten. They would try though. They would try.

EPILOGUE

Britney came back about 20 days later, and embarked on a murderous rampage with a chainsaw and a hockey stick while most of the residents were asleep. Mikey was the first victim, followed by Ronan. Britney killed every single resident, bludgeoning many to death with their own golden records. With the destruction of the last boy-band, girl-power group, and pop star, Britney lay face down in a puddle, until even the most careful of coroners would have declared her “dead, dead, dead.”