Episode I

Well, once upon a time there was a band of men (and one woman) and all they did was play the hangover game with me. It was a sunny day in the land of Well-hung-town and the quest was for this band of people to travel to the place of the cheese to meet with the king and queen of a distant land called the Naki, and say fair-thee-well and good luck for they were leaving Well-hung-town for their land. This band of people consisted of the young damsel fair and true (later to become a damsel in distress) “Heather”, the Tai-Chi master with his wide girth and happy smile “Chestarrr”, the wondrous wizard that we all call “The Kruse”, and also me, young, vibrant and dashing a man called “Jay-sin”. We four hopped into our mode of transportation which was a state-of-the-art terracotta coloured Ford Escort and off we went to find the place of cheese. As the night before was a long and hard night for all four companions,their state that day was not a good one and morale was low, so it was Chestarrr with his clear thinking that had a thought first and began to sing (and sing loud and proud he did). We all soon joined in as our heads started to realise that in fact he wasn’t snoring but was singing a tune that we all knew. This lifted our sprits and the Ford Escort wasn’t missing a beat so things couldn’t have been better. We got to the place of cheese that we found to be called Lindale, and there were people all from far off lands that some of us had not heard of before, and there also was the King and Queen of the Naki waiting for us to break bread with them before we parted on different journey’s. When this was done and the Royal pair had left on their journey home we four band of people payed our respects to the great mountain of cheese, which we climbed to the top of to survey the surrounding land and the wild life that lived there. The wizard The Kruse said it would be wise for us to head back to his roomy mansion for the hours were leading on and the dark will soon be upon us, plus he said he had tea and biscuits for everyone. We all piled back into the Terracotta Ford Escort and after some tinkering and a bang we speed off heading for The Kruse’s place. Along the highway we were all content and full for the last meal and I noticed that The Kruse was spending more time doing a little spell conjuring behind closed eyes than watching the road, and me being a little timid and afraid of the wizard just watched and hoped that we would make it back. The Kruse suddenly pulled the Escort off the road and stopped at a replenishment place called BP where we found drinks and ice-cream’s and cigarettes, once again we were happy, awake and full of life. Off we went again and things were going well, it all looked to easy, the singing started again and to me life was good, I was safe with my friends. That’s when it all started to go wrong for this happy bunch of people. The terracotta Ford Escort started blowing smoke and I started to get scared but the wizard had control and moved the Escort off the highway safely and brought it to a stop. We all got out and inspected the damage, we were quick to find that someone had let all the water out and placed a faulty radiator cap on and left the other one hidden in the engine bay, so after some thought I realised that I had a form of communication in the shape of a cell-phone and decided to call AA Breakdown Service to bring us more water. While on the phone I was explaining where we were and the colour and shape of the vehicle that we were travelling in. I said the we were heading to Well-hung-town and in a green ford escort, I then stop talking to the person on the other end and gave my report to the others, this is where I found that when scared and left to my own devices I cant see colours and The Kruse told me so. Just as he said the Escort was not green an AA Breakdown Ute went straight passed and I thought all hope had been lost and slumped to the ground and cried. The Kruse hopped back into the Escort and so did the damsel for she was not scared and went to calm the wizard down, Chestarrr started to do Tai-Chi on the side of the road to focus on the task at hand which I watched and his actions were quite relaxing, then out of nowhere Chestarrr took off running down the side of the highway (I thought he was chasing the Ute and then decided he was nuts) then leaped into the air and slapped his hand on a road sign which was at least 15feet in the air, this was when we decided that he was nuts but a brave man none the less. When he had made his way back to where we were and told us of the pain that he had gone through another AA Breakdown Ute pulled up and assisted us. He told us that the motor was not going to make it home and should be put down, but we convinced him that for we had no other way of getting home and we were stranded in a place we didn’t really know we had to try. He gave us direction to what he called a safe place to park the Escort (which we learned afterwards was outside a woman’s prison) and then followed us to make sure that we made it and not a moment too soon for the motor of the Escort gave up and we now had a big decision to make…………….

Episode 2

………….Heather has now become the damsel in distress and with the Chestarrr and The Kruse discussing what to do, the fair damsel, Heather came to me with a cry of help. Jay-sin (said she in a quite frightened little voice) do you have any idea how we could get out of this predicament?? Of course I said NO, I have no idea but I do have a 4X4 that could tow the Escort back to the roomy mansion of The Kruse, but I am here and the keys are at the mansion and the 4X4 is in Newtown so what is a young, vibrant and dashing man to do? Heather quickly using her wit and good sense said why don’t you take the train and then the bus back to the mansion and then drive back in the 4X4 and get us. Well I can tell you I was scared, I started thinking I never been on a train and travelling through Well-hung-town on my own was to much for my mind to comprehend. When I look into her pleading eyes and then noticed The Kruse and Chestarrr standing behind the damsel in distress nodding their heads and saying that “yes you can do it for you are the bravest and have young and boyish good looks you will be able to make it there on your own wit”. I then looked back into Heathers eyes and she said please with a smile and how was I to refuse………………….
Well this is what I said “Shit NO, there’s no way I’m going through the heart of Well-hung-town on my own and that’s that!!!!!!!
But that’s when The Kruse sat me down and said “You ARE going my boy and there’ll be no backing out, the damsel has asked for you help and by god you are going to help her and us!”.
“but why, why me, why not Chestarr?” was my only reply
” because he has, through his Tai-Chi gained the burden of girth and is way to fat to fit on the train”
“but he has the capability to find his way home, I may get on the No.18 bus and head the wrong way. Why don’t you go?”
“me, I The Kruse am a man wise beyond my years (my brain is the size of the planet) and this task is to small for a man like me. Plus I’m hungover and can’t be assed.”
So I stood and puffed out my manly chest and said in a strong voice “Oh fuck it, I’ll do it you pussies”.
I quickly looked around and noticed a track the was obviously the way to the train stop, I picked up my feet and rolled a cig and with heart in my throat was off on my own little journey. As I started walking down the stairs towards the platform I had one last look back and saw hope in the eyes of my companions and knew that it was up to me, and me alone, I could not and would not let them down.
I sat waiting for the train which I have never been on and only seen once before, and started to feel scared and afraid. I was wondering what sort of strange things I might see and tales (from childhood memories) of two eyed, money grabbing, peak-cap wearing monster’s came to mind. These thoughts I had to overcome for the train was coming and it was time to face the strangest wonder that is known as the train. As it pulled along side the platform I stood up and said a little prayer, I moved through the now open doors and let out a little gasp for the inside of the train was nothing but the same as a bus, I quickly sat down and immediately started to feel at ease with the my surroundings looking so familiar and the fact that there were no other people on the train meant I was quite safe. The doors shut and the train took off at a great speed and I knew that in a matter of minutes I would be released into the streets of Well-hung-town. With me sitting facing the back and humming a little tune I was feeling good when suddenly a hand touched my shoulder, I stiffened and opened my mouth to scream for I immediately thought that the monsters from the childhood tales were real and one of them had me by the throat, but no scream came, no noise at all came out of my mouth and the only noise I could hear was the voice of the two eyed, money grabbing, peak-cap wearing monster saying “Well-hung-town stop that will be $3.00 please sir”. I turned my head in surprise to not see a hideous monster but a person like you and me with a pleasant smile on his face and his hand outstretched waiting for me to give him money of my own free will, that’s right people, he didn’t take it from me with force or anything of that nature but waited for me to hand over the $3.00 by my self. I did as the man asked and started to chat to the man who called himself Terry and told him about the childhood tales about trains, which he found funny. As we were still chatting the train came to a stop and Terry stood up and said “Get Off” and walked off laughing to himself. I went to the doors and as I went through them I saw out of the corner of my eye that Terry was changing colour and becoming green (or Terracotta I clearly don’t know the difference in colour) and I ran, yes people I ran out of the train station and down the road………..

Episode 3

………..after running for about 2 minutes which by then I was completely stuff and had to sit down and get my breath back, I noticed I didn’t know where I was and after seeing what I saw I was really getting scared. I finally got up the courage to stand and started walking in search for a bus to take me to Newtown, I was all confused and really didn’t know where to start my search, when my cell phone started to ring. After getting my breath back from the fright of hearing the phone I answered it unsure of how it could be, the voice was strong but sweet and it sounded like it was coming from far away,
“Don’t fear Jay-sin, for this is the Big girl from above, your comrade The Kruse spoke to me and asked if I would watch out for you and make sure you are heading in the right direction”
“hay you!, you’re a woman I thought you were a man” I said thinking it was a joke being played on me by some sicko
“SHUT UP YOU LITTLE SHIT!!!!!1, you know nothing, now do as I command!”
“yeah ok what ever” thinking bloody typical woman
“I heard that Jay-sin and if you don’t want my help I’m out of here!”
shit I said to my self “don’t go please help me”
“ok then that’s better, go back down the way you have just come and turn left at the next corner then walk straight for about 300meters, there you will come to a bus stop. You must wait for the second bus and it will be there in 19 minutes so you must hurry, from there you will be able to find you way. Got that?”
“oh man do I have to walk that far, if you are the great one then why don’t you just wiggle your nose and zap I’m there?”
“I’ll ZAP you in a minute if you don’t shut up, now be gone with you”
and with that the connection went dead, interested to know where this woman was calling me from I found the number was 07 871GOD, shit it was the Big girl from above (Gee The Kruse does have friends in high places), so with all that information I was off and by the time I got to the bus stop I was dead tired, my poor little legs would not carry me any more. What’s a poor boy to do? I could see the bus coming down the road and my legs would hold me up from the extremely long hike I had just completed, and that’s when the vision of the Damsel in distress came to me the thought of her and the others being stuck in the Escort out there in the wilderness all night long (plus the Big girl from above was watching) made me stand and step onto the bus when it stopped. I then promptly fell onto a seat and fell asleep dreaming of pink smurfs running through a field of blue grass and yellow flowers. I awoke to the soft tune running into my ears and when I opened my eyes wanting to see a group of young girls singing to me, I was sorely disappointed when I saw a bearded old man (or woman wasn’t to sure) rubbing its hand on my shoulder saying that it was the end of my fair and that I should get the hell off cause I was holding up the bus. So being the nice guy that I am I jumped to my feet and took off without looking back.
I stood outside the hospital thinking that I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and not only were my legs hurting from all the walking I’d already done, my brain was hurting as well. As I stood there I now faced my hardest choice, do I go on or do I give in to the body and mind and go to the hospital and demand drugs to take away the pain………………….

Episode 4

…………..Thoughts run through my mind for what seemed like ages when suddenly one thought came very clear, I need hugs not drugs, and that made my decision for I knew that if I completed this large task that was set before me I was to be showered in hugs from everybody, so off I went leaving the house of drugs behind me and headed for the never ending hill up to the mansion at the top which is where The Kruse dwells. With legs in pain, like no one has ever felt before I struggled up the hill until I came to the gate of the mansion, I went directly for the door with hand in pocket fishing for the trusted key that the wizard had bestowed upon me before I had left. The key slid into the lock and presto the door was about to be open when to my surprise the door wouldn’t budge, That wanker had given me the wrong key (was The Kruse trying to make me fail or not), I strolled around the side and found a window half open and noticed a padlock keeping it where it was, I tried the key here and ‘ya’ the wizard was in deed not trying to make me fail but apparently trying to build me up by making me think (which was a real effort by now) and make me strive for the goal of my task. I jumped up and into the window in a single bound (which was nothing short of a miracle) and dashed through the many, many rooms to find my keys. I came into one of the family rooms and there right in front of me was a KEG-O-BEER, needless to say that I was stopped dead in my tracks, Lay down and drink beer or save the others, decisions, decisions I cant handle it, my brain hurts and the need to stop and give up was great. I sat down and closed my eyes and had a little cry to myself. No! I finally said, get keys and get moving, so once again I was off and only moments later I was bounding out the gate and heading for the 4X4 with my keys at the ready. I slid into the drivers seat and kicked over the motor which started first time, I then rolled a cig, started puffing and stuck the 4X4 in gear and away I went down the hill at full speed, passing the hospital and around the basin and onto the motorway without stopping. Steaming down the motorway my throughs started to wonder for the trip was long and uneventful, and in my throughs I started to hear a voice in my head and it sounded like the Town’s smallest man Davey-Dave, when I realised that it WAS his voice I felt his hand paddling my ass, I started screaming NO! and opened my eyes to find that I had been asleep and the turn off I needed to take was right there, so with great skill and good breaks I slid the 4X4 on to the off ramp with only a little bit of rubber loss. I slowed my vehicle down to a crawl and went to meet my companions, who were huddled in the Escort afraid of the ‘woman’s prison’. They were overwhelmed with joy when they saw me and rushed to smother me with hugs and a kiss or two. The three have now become my life long friends and servants. Suddenly as we where hitching the vehicles together, Heather came over and quietly said, Jay-sin you are a Dashing, Vibrant and Brave young man that we have all come to know and love Thank-you.

Jason
(and Im spent)